Are you going to be a step parent? Here is how to get the best start.
July 5, 2024
0 min read
When I discovered my new partner had two pre-teen sons, I didn't give it much thought.
When I discovered my new partner had two pre-teen sons, I didn't give it much thought.
I never imagined they would become such a fundamental part of my world and family. Now, after ten years, I can honestly say that I had no idea the impact, the gift and, at times, the challenge it would be to become a step mother and to create and contribute to a step family. I now can’t picture my life in any other way but my journey has been filled with many ups and downs.
As a step mother, a biological mother, a coach for step parents and an advocate for creating optimism and awareness for the step parent experience, I am so happy to share my top tips to consider as you embark on your own journey into step family life.
1. Take a step back and consider your new role
Becoming a stepparent is a meaningful and typically, long-term commitment. If you don’t already have children, it may be an adjustment for you to have new little people in your world, that you barely know, being at the centre of most of your decision-making. Keeping the children’s needs at the forefront of any plans or decision will typically be the right way forward.
Take a moment and think about what this will mean to you and what your vision for your role and the future is - who do you want to be for these children and how might that impact your existing life. Who do you want these children to be for you? How does your partnership need to shift to accommodate this new role? What is important to you about this new path? What are you concerned about? What are you excited about?
Make sure that you share your vision with your partner to ensure you are aligned so you can work together to take steps towards the family and future you desire.
2. Communicate with Your Partner
You become a step parent because of and for your partner and setting the scene for open and honest communication is really important. Discuss your expectations, fears, and hopes regarding your role and try to anticipate the types of challenges you might face - both big and small.
How will you handle discipline? How will you spend your time together? What boundaries might you have around your time, space, work or your own family? How will you communicate? How will you know if it is working or if there are areas you need help with? What might you need from your partner and what can they expect from you?
Create time and space to communicate regularly to stay on top of anything that might come up for either of you. It’s been 10 years since I first met my step sons and my husband and I still have a regular Sunday night chat to set-up the week both logistically and emotionally.
3. Patience is Key
Building a strong and sustainable bond with your stepchildren takes time. Dr. Patricia Papernow, a well-known researcher in step family dynamics, claims it takes between 4 and 12 years to reach the final stage in her “Step Family Cycle”, called resolution. This final stage is characterised by solid relationships, established family history and the ability to ebb and flow with significant life changes. I share this stat to encourage and empower you. “Blending” a family takes time so you need to be patient with yourself, the children and your partner.
Children may take a while to warm up to you, and that's perfectly normal. You may also find, that there are good days and not so good days. Your step children have most likely already navigated a lot of change so they may need some time and space to adjust and establish trust with you. Consistent, thoughtful actions over time will help in forming meaningful connections. Try to focus on building relationships (and having some fun!) and if you can, and leave the “parenting” to the biological parent until it feels natural to step in.
3. Respect Existing Relationships
Depending on the situation, recognize and respect the existing relationships your partner's children have with their biological parents or other family members. In most situations, you aren’t necessarily going to replace a parent but instead, to be an additional, important member of your step children’s lives and another person who will care for, influence and support them. Your natural role will develop over time and allow it to take shape in a way that works for you, your partner as well as the family.
4. Stay Flexible
The ability to be flexible and manage your expectations is really important. Typically, step family life involves managing multiple schedules and family members. As a result, plans can change, emotions can run high, shoes can be forgotten, school plays appear in the calendar, then disappear, and the list goes on. If you have the ability to “roll with it”, especially in the beginning, this will be so helpful and allow you to focus less on the details and more about creating relationships and learning more about what will make your family tick.
5. Seek Support
Step parenting can be a tough “gig” but I firmly believe that with the right mindset and support, you can replace a potentially stressful situation with a space for optimism, growth and love. Biological parents typically have significant support systems around them before and after they bring a child into their lives, step parents deserve the same!
As you venture into step parenthood, embrace your journey with an open heart and an open mind. Be patient with yourself and everyone involved and be honest and open with your partner and you will be off to a flying start!
Ainsley Keller (ICF-ACC, MBA) founded The Step Collective in 2023 with the mission to empower step parents and future step parents. From her own personal experience, Ainsley realised there was very limited professional support for step parents and she wanted to change that.
The Step Collective provides 1:1 and group coaching for step parents and future step parents helping them to embrace their role with confidence and clarity so they can create a balanced life (both personally and professionally), meaningful relationships and a happy home.
Reach out and say hello if you are interested in learning more - www.thestepcollective.co.uk
hello@ainsleykeller.co.uk
https://www.instagram.com/the.stepcollective/
I never imagined they would become such a fundamental part of my world and family. Now, after ten years, I can honestly say that I had no idea the impact, the gift and, at times, the challenge it would be to become a step mother and to create and contribute to a step family. I now can’t picture my life in any other way but my journey has been filled with many ups and downs.
As a step mother, a biological mother, a coach for step parents and an advocate for creating optimism and awareness for the step parent experience, I am so happy to share my top tips to consider as you embark on your own journey into step family life.
1. Take a step back and consider your new role
Becoming a stepparent is a meaningful and typically, long-term commitment. If you don’t already have children, it may be an adjustment for you to have new little people in your world, that you barely know, being at the centre of most of your decision-making. Keeping the children’s needs at the forefront of any plans or decision will typically be the right way forward.
Take a moment and think about what this will mean to you and what your vision for your role and the future is - who do you want to be for these children and how might that impact your existing life. Who do you want these children to be for you? How does your partnership need to shift to accommodate this new role? What is important to you about this new path? What are you concerned about? What are you excited about?
Make sure that you share your vision with your partner to ensure you are aligned so you can work together to take steps towards the family and future you desire.
2. Communicate with Your Partner
You become a step parent because of and for your partner and setting the scene for open and honest communication is really important. Discuss your expectations, fears, and hopes regarding your role and try to anticipate the types of challenges you might face - both big and small.
How will you handle discipline? How will you spend your time together? What boundaries might you have around your time, space, work or your own family? How will you communicate? How will you know if it is working or if there are areas you need help with? What might you need from your partner and what can they expect from you?
Create time and space to communicate regularly to stay on top of anything that might come up for either of you. It’s been 10 years since I first met my step sons and my husband and I still have a regular Sunday night chat to set-up the week both logistically and emotionally.
3. Patience is Key
Building a strong and sustainable bond with your stepchildren takes time. Dr. Patricia Papernow, a well-known researcher in step family dynamics, claims it takes between 4 and 12 years to reach the final stage in her “Step Family Cycle”, called resolution. This final stage is characterised by solid relationships, established family history and the ability to ebb and flow with significant life changes. I share this stat to encourage and empower you. “Blending” a family takes time so you need to be patient with yourself, the children and your partner.
Children may take a while to warm up to you, and that's perfectly normal. You may also find, that there are good days and not so good days. Your step children have most likely already navigated a lot of change so they may need some time and space to adjust and establish trust with you. Consistent, thoughtful actions over time will help in forming meaningful connections. Try to focus on building relationships (and having some fun!) and if you can, and leave the “parenting” to the biological parent until it feels natural to step in.
3. Respect Existing Relationships
Depending on the situation, recognize and respect the existing relationships your partner's children have with their biological parents or other family members. In most situations, you aren’t necessarily going to replace a parent but instead, to be an additional, important member of your step children’s lives and another person who will care for, influence and support them. Your natural role will develop over time and allow it to take shape in a way that works for you, your partner as well as the family.
4. Stay Flexible
The ability to be flexible and manage your expectations is really important. Typically, step family life involves managing multiple schedules and family members. As a result, plans can change, emotions can run high, shoes can be forgotten, school plays appear in the calendar, then disappear, and the list goes on. If you have the ability to “roll with it”, especially in the beginning, this will be so helpful and allow you to focus less on the details and more about creating relationships and learning more about what will make your family tick.
5. Seek Support
Step parenting can be a tough “gig” but I firmly believe that with the right mindset and support, you can replace a potentially stressful situation with a space for optimism, growth and love. Biological parents typically have significant support systems around them before and after they bring a child into their lives, step parents deserve the same!
As you venture into step parenthood, embrace your journey with an open heart and an open mind. Be patient with yourself and everyone involved and be honest and open with your partner and you will be off to a flying start!
Ainsley Keller (ICF-ACC, MBA) founded The Step Collective in 2023 with the mission to empower step parents and future step parents. From her own personal experience, Ainsley realised there was very limited professional support for step parents and she wanted to change that.
The Step Collective provides 1:1 and group coaching for step parents and future step parents helping them to embrace their role with confidence and clarity so they can create a balanced life (both personally and professionally), meaningful relationships and a happy home.
Reach out and say hello if you are interested in learning more - www.thestepcollective.co.uk
hello@ainsleykeller.co.uk
https://www.instagram.com/the.stepcollective/
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